Get yourself some boundaries

Most of what I'm going to say about boundaries originally started with this video, one of the most memorable and important clips I've ever seen. I highly recommend watching it before moving on.

Before learning about boundaries, I went through an abusive relationship, burned out at work, was pretty bad at handling conflict, and lacked confidence to push for my own needs.

Since learning about boundaries, my marriage is better, my kids know what I expect of them, I know how to prevent burnout at work, I've successfully navigated important career transitions, and I've left a bad manager without torching my reputation.

Without a clear line of what is and is not okay for me, I can't take care of myself effectively. As a highly empathetic person, I tend to take on the feelings of others, and so boundaries were not natural for me. I had to define them.

In my early twenties, I was engaged to a man who was bipolar. I knew this about him, and I did love him, enough to commit to figuring out a life together even though it would be a little bit more difficult. But what I didn't realize was that my love and empathy and willingness to work through his illness with him blinded me to how damaging the relationship was for me. Everything revolved around him, around managing his moods, and my feelings were secondary. Worse, he was manipulative, emotionally abusive, and more, but I let it slide because I didn't want to upset him. He said and did things to me that were not even remotely okay, but I excused it because of his illness. I had no idea how unhealthy that relationship was when I was in it, only figuring it out later through therapy.

After that break-up, I got a job at a major restaurant chain and worked my way into management. I was completely burned out (at age 26!) after three years. It was a high energy business; I was on a daily adrenaline rush and insane lack-of-sleep schedule that wasn't sustainable. I had not yet made my first career change and didn't know for sure how or that I could. I was working so much that I couldn't find time to put my resume together, much less handle interviews, and I grew more and more anxiety that my plan to get two years of management under my belt and then leap ahead in another industry wouldn't work out, as most employers didn't see the restaurant business as legitimate experience. When I finally left that job, it was because I had to mentally, and I didn't get another job for three months.

(Sidenote: I've since worked in two other industries for three major companies, and I can tell you without any hesitation that I got more business experience as part of a four-person management team responsible for every part of a restaurant--HR, costs, quality, customer experience, ordering, inventory, cash management, safety, marketing, maintenance, "manufacturing", and budget reconciliation--than most people who have only seen pieces of a large company, including many with MBAs.)

Looking back on the abusive relationship and the burnout from my first real job, I now realize that the thing I was missing was boundaries. I let my ex-fiancé talk to me in ways that I let slide because I was taking care of his mental illness more than I was taking care of myself. I let myself burn out at my job because I didn't define a sustainable work situation.

Fast forward to my life after learning about boundaries...

At home, my husband knows where my boundaries are. I won't ever go into too much detail about my marriage in this space, but suffice it to say that we have clear communication and know what to expect from each other. I have established clear ground rules about things I need and want that he understands, and if some situation ever hits up against those boundaries, I can talk with him about it. He can do the same with me. We love each other, and one of the ways we take care of each other is being open to talking about our needs without holding onto resentment and without getting defensive.

My kids understand my parental boundaries too. I pick my battles with them and will let them know if they've crossed an inexcusable line. As a parent, some rules really are less important than others, and my kids understand which ones are intended to help them learn and grow as guidelines, and which ones are un-crossable boundaries.

At work, I had a situation a few years ago with a manager who was not living up to the expectations the company had set for being a people leader. I talked to a number of other people who worked with the manager who had similar concerns, but I was the only one who was willing to give direct feedback. I told the leader what I needed in order to continue our working relationship, and he actually did try to improve. We were able to continue working together for several more months. In the end, he overstepped my boundary again, and I let him know that I would need to find another role with the company. He understood and actually helped me find my next career move.

Here are some of my boundaries:

• Speak and treat others with respect. No name calling. Really listen and try to understand others. (Showing emotion is fine, good, in fact, but if you're going to argue, argue fair,)

• No lying. No manipulation. Speak the truth. Be open handed.

• No setting yourself up as better than someone else (no power grabs, egotism, controlling a situation only to one's own benefit, not sharing credit, etc.)

• No physical attacks whatsoever. No unwanted touching. No means no. No joking about hurting others.

• No talking behind someone's back. If you've got something to say, say it directly. Cattiness is a negative energy drain and highlights more problems with the speaker than the subject.

• No holding on to resentment. If you've got something on your mind, get it out in the open. And if you can't get it out, then let it go.

• Say what you want and need. Don't play games., Let people know how to take care of you, and then let them choose if they can do it or not.

• Give grace--love even when it's not fully deserved. Grace and boundaries are not mutually exclusive.

These relationship boundaries apply at work, at home, and with family and friends. I try to use these when relating with others, and I expect others to do the same.

There are other types of boundaries too. For example, I have boundaries at work that keep me from slipping into workaholism. I'm salaried, and there's always way more than enough to keep me busy for 50/60/70 hours a week, so I have to make sure I'm working on the highest priority items and negotiating or saying no to things I can't get to. I've got set hours when I work (usually 8-6, maybe an extra hour at the beginning or end of the day, but no more), unless I'm pushing on a deadline. If I do put in a big chunk of extra time, I unapologetically take it back later by cutting another day short or taking an extra day off. I track all of my time-off allowance to make sure I use every last stinkin' day I'm allotted each year. I also coach my team to do the same, highlighting that the company will take all the time they will give, but only they can take care of themselves and make sure they are not burning out or losing time for other parts of life.

You might be wondering if I'm losing friends or work projects or damaging my reputation with all this boundary setting. The answer is emphatically no. I'm able to give endlessly to the people who need it. I'm mentally healthy. My colleagues trust me. I have strong relationships with people I love. Setting boundaries is the best thing I've ever done and it's probably the first thing I'll suggest to friends or colleagues who ask my advice on a difficult situation.

Of course, there are times when boundaries are crossed, and you have to decide what to do. Know that when you set a boundary, you also need to define a consequence. You need to give the boundary teeth. It should be logical, not emotional; in fact, the very point of setting boundaries is to have logical clarity on how to handle a situation in the event of a worst case scenario so that you can make decisions with less emotion. "If he calls me names again after I've told him not to, I will leave." "If my boss takes credit for my work again, I will look for a new job." "If my kid hits his sister again, he is going to bed with no TV." Whatever it is, define the boundary and consequence, communicate it, and then stick to it if the person crosses the line. Is this hard? Yes. Consequences are not easy to enforce, but it is way harder and less healthy for all parties to live without boundaries. Once a boundary slips, it's very easy to lose yourself.

Boundaries actually give us freedom. When we know what we need and can communicate it to ourselves and others, there is deeper understanding. Some relationships will suffer. Those are not the ones you need anyway.

Love yourself. Get some boundaries.